Why your nervous system doesn’t want you to change

Something you only understand if you've been through it is desperately wanting a better life for yourself and yet avoiding the actions that would bring it into reality. 

When you first start trying to understand why you procrastinate so badly for the things that you want to do, one of the first things you land on is that it must be a fear of failing. That's usually the culprit of perfectionism too. You care so much that you just can't imagine not achieving the goal, and so it's safer to not try at all.

But what if that's not it for you? What if it's actually about a fear of succeeding? What if the thing you're afraid of isn't failure, but everything that comes after success?

Goals and completing them or not completing them is not as simple as it looks on the surface. There's so much more going on. Because the goal is rarely just a goal.

It’s a change in identity, a change in lifestyle, a change in self-image, and the validation or invalidation of your identity and how you show up to the world. 

When all of those things become attached to the outcome, success stops feeling exciting and starts feeling incredibly high stakes.

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But I get it if that doesn't make any sense at all. You've worked so hard to create the opportunities that would bring you the kind of success that you crave. But the pattern is all too familiar no matter how hard you worked. As soon as you actually start making some progress, and you can see the finish line in sight, you start shrinking. 

When things go well is when you actually start being the most inconsistent. Or, even after you take the big leap and decide that this is the time to act, is when you let yourself down. 

Or when you actually start believing that it might be possible, after all the planning, and dreaming, and envisioning how life could look—that's where you stop. Always on the edge of meaningful progress.

But it makes no sense. Success is what you want, this goal matters to you, and you've clearly put in so much work and envisionment into what it could mean for you if you actually did it. The frustration makes no logical sense, and all you're left with is stubborn frustration at yourself. You know that you are the reason you can't succeed, even though the clear path to walk is right in front of you. You know you're sabotaging yourself, you just have no idea why, and it's easy to wonder if you're just always going to be like this.

This isn’t how things are supposed to be. Good effort gets rewarded. Big dreams equal big actions. There is no world in which it is right for your work ethic and dreams and goals to be shut away, never seeing the light.

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The truth is that we, our minds and our bodies, have the sole purpose of prolonging our survival. From an evolutionary standpoint, that's all that matters. That's what the hierarchy of needs is, and it all starts with our basic needs, and slowly develops into personal fulfillment. And survival, as well as feelings of safety, don't equal achievement. They are equal with predictability.

Growth is obviously a huge part about personal fulfillment and enlightenment and climbing toward the top of Maslow's hierarchy of needs. But if the bottom rungs of safety and survival feel threatened, for whatever reason, then our systems are going to go into self protection mode.

And ironically, growth is something that can make our internal system feel threatened because it's not familiar and comfortable. Unfamiliar experiences, even if they're leading to something we truly want, aren't predictable, and therefore trigger those protective responses of avoidance, uncertainty, and fear.

It's wonderful and pleasant to dream about all of the things we want to accomplish and the kind of person that we want to become, but when we start to take the steps toward bringing that into reality, we have to actually accept the fact that it's not predictable at all. And we're forced to choose between what we can predict and fulfilling change. Take a guess at which you think usually wins.

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Now, for how this ties with interfering with success.

What exactly is success?

It's a desirable outcome of any pursuit, as opposed to an undesirable outcome of a pursuit. And both of those, an outcome desirable or undesirable, is not where we are right this moment. Which means, to fail and to succeed are both changes to our current state and life experience.

But there's a clear distinction between these two. If we fail, the change we experience is something we are already familiar with because we still end up right back where we were before. The change that comes with success, however, is something entirely new because we haven't experienced it before, and so, the change that comes with success also brings uncertainty. And what does uncertainty do, but threaten our sense of security?

Imagine a boat that's docked on the shoreline, preparing for a voyage out to sea.  It can be perfectly exciting to imagine where you may end up, and what amazing things you will discover, and so you prepare with enthusiasm to have a successful trip. But as soon as you leave the dock, the uncertainty of what it would actually mean to succeed at this voyage is far more undesirable than staying at the shoreline, never knowing.

And it's more than just that. Success creates new expectations. 

You ask yourself, “What if I can't maintain this new standard?”

And then you have to confront an entirely new identity. If you're used to chronic avoidance where you've always let yourself down, then even though it's disappointing, the old identity is comfortable. 

Who are you if you become the person who actually succeeds? 

And, what I found to be the most impactful, is the fact that as long as the goal remains unachieved but possible, then you don’t have to face either outcome. If you actually achieve it, there are no more excuses, and you have to face reality. 

So even though it feels strange to say that you're avoiding due to a fear of success, it makes sense when you realize that success is just another type of uncertainty.

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Think about a goal you've repeatedly struggled to pursue.

Instead of asking:

"What if I fail?"

Ask:

"What changes if I succeed?"

Look for:

• New responsibilities

• Increased visibility

• Higher expectations

• Loss of familiarity

The answers often reveal hidden sources of resistance.

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If this challenges the way you've been thinking about your struggles with follow-through, I'm going to be starting a live webinar class soon to explore some of the biggest misconceptions people have about why they get stuck. It’s free to join, and may be your next step once you start putting some more pieces together. Sign up for the newsletter HERE to be the first to hear about sign-ups.

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So at least be encouraged that resistance is not proof that you don't actually want the goal. Oftentimes resistance is going to be ever more prevalent when you want it the most. But rather, it's a sign of the uncertainty that's attached to the change that comes with succeeding and achieving that goal.

But if the nervous system keeps choosing familiarity over growth...

How is anyone supposed to get anything done if they can't tolerate uncertainty long enough to keep going?

That's the question we're answering in the pinned video (LINKED HERE ON 6/26) about how protective patterns are formed in the first place.

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